MORNING ROOM IN ALGERNON S FLAT IN HALF MOON STREET THE ROOM IS LUXURIOUSLY AND ARTISTICALLY FURNISHED THE SOUND OF A PIANO IS HEARD IN THE ADJOINING ROOM DID YOU HEAR WHAT I WAS PLAYING LANE I DIDN T THINK IT POLITE TO LISTEN SIR I M SORRY FOR THAT FOR YOUR SAKE I DON T PLAY ACCURATELY ANY ONE CAN PLAY ACCURATELY BUT I PLAY WITH WONDERFUL EXPRESSION AS FAR AS THE PIANO IS CONCERNED SENTIMENT IS MY FORTE I KEEP SCIENCE FOR LIFE AND SPEAKING OF THE SCIENCE OF LIFE HAVE YOU GOT THE CUCUMBER SANDWICHES CUT FOR LADY BRACKNELL OH BY THE WAY LANE I SEE FROM YOUR BOOK THAT ON THURSDAY NIGHT WHEN LORD SHOREMAN AND MR WORTHING WERE DINING WITH ME EIGHT BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE ARE ENTERED AS HAVING BEEN CONSUMED YES SIR EIGHT BOTTLES AND A PINT WHY IS IT THAT AT A BACHELOR S ESTABLISHMENT THE SERVANTS INVARIABLY DRINK THE CHAMPAGNE I ASK MERELY FOR INFORMATION I ATTRIBUTE IT TO THE SUPERIOR QUALITY OF THE WINE SIR I HAVE OFTEN OBSERVED THAT IN MARRIED HOUSEHOLDS THE CHAMPAGNE IS RARELY OF A FIRST RATE BRAND IS MARRIAGE SO DEMORALISING AS THAT I BELIEVE IT IS A VERY PLEASANT STATE SIR I HAVE HAD VERY LITTLE EXPERIENCE OF IT MYSELF UP TO THE PRESENT I HAVE ONLY BEEN MARRIED ONCE THAT WAS IN CONSEQUENCE OF A MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN MYSELF AND A YOUNG PERSON I DON T KNOW THAT I AM MUCH INTERESTED IN YOUR FAMILY LIFE LANE NO SIR IT IS NOT A VERY INTERESTING SUBJECT I NEVER THINK OF IT MYSELF VERY NATURAL I AM SURE THAT WILL DO LANE THANK YOU THANK YOU SIR LANE S VIEWS ON MARRIAGE SEEM SOMEWHAT LAX REALLY IF THE LOWER ORDERS DON T SET US A GOOD EXAMPLE WHAT ON EARTH IS THE USE OF THEM THEY SEEM AS A CLASS TO HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OF MORAL RESPONSIBILITY MR ERNEST WORTHING HOW ARE YOU MY DEAR ERNEST WHAT BRINGS YOU UP TO TOWN OH PLEASURE PLEASURE WHAT ELSE SHOULD BRING ONE ANYWHERE EATING AS USUAL I SEE ALGY I BELIEVE IT IS CUSTOMARY IN GOOD SOCIETY TO TAKE SOME SLIGHT REFRESHMENT AT FIVE O CLOCK WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN SINCE LAST THURSDAY IN THE COUNTRY WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU DO THERE WHEN ONE IS IN TOWN ONE AMUSES ONESELF WHEN ONE IS IN THE COUNTRY ONE AMUSES OTHER PEOPLE IT IS EXCESSIVELY BORING AND WHO ARE THE PEOPLE YOU AMUSE OH NEIGHBOURS NEIGHBOURS GOT NICE NEIGHBOURS IN YOUR PART OF SHROPSHIRE NEVER SPEAK TO ONE OF THEM HOW IMMENSELY YOU MUST AMUSE THEM BY THE WAY SHROPSHIRE IS YOUR COUNTY IS IT NOT YES OF COURSE WHY ALL THESE CUPS WHY CUCUMBER SANDWICHES WHY SUCH RECKLESS EXTRAVAGANCE IN ONE SO YOUNG WHO IS COMING TO TEA OH MERELY AUNT AUGUSTA AND GWENDOLEN HOW PERFECTLY DELIGHTFUL YES THAT IS ALL VERY WELL BUT I AM AFRAID AUNT AUGUSTA WON T QUITE APPROVE OF YOUR BEING HERE MAY I ASK WHY MY DEAR FELLOW THE WAY YOU FLIRT WITH GWENDOLEN IS PERFECTLY DISGRACEFUL IT IS ALMOST AS BAD AS THE WAY GWENDOLEN FLIRTS WITH YOU I AM IN LOVE WITH GWENDOLEN I HAVE COME UP TO TOWN EXPRESSLY TO PROPOSE TO HER I THOUGHT YOU HAD COME UP FOR PLEASURE I CALL THAT BUSINESS HOW UTTERLY UNROMANTIC YOU ARE I REALLY DON T SEE ANYTHING ROMANTIC IN PROPOSING IT IS VERY ROMANTIC TO BE IN LOVE BUT THERE IS NOTHING ROMANTIC ABOUT A DEFINITE PROPOSAL WHY ONE MAY BE ACCEPTED ONE USUALLY IS I BELIEVE THEN THE EXCITEMENT IS ALL OVER THE VERY ESSENCE OF ROMANCE IS UNCERTAINTY IF EVER I GET MARRIED I LL CERTAINLY TRY TO FORGET THE FACT I HAVE NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT DEAR ALGY THE DIVORCE COURT WAS SPECIALLY INVENTED FOR PEOPLE WHOSE MEMORIES ARE SO CURIOUSLY CONSTITUTED OH THERE IS NO USE SPECULATING ON THAT SUBJECT DIVORCES ARE MADE IN HEAVEN PLEASE DON T TOUCH THE CUCUMBER SANDWICHES THEY ARE ORDERED SPECIALLY FOR AUNT AUGUSTA WELL YOU HAVE BEEN EATING THEM ALL THE TIME THAT IS QUITE A DIFFERENT MATTER SHE IS MY AUNT HAVE SOME BREAD AND BUTTER THE BREAD AND BUTTER IS FOR GWENDOLEN GWENDOLEN IS DEVOTED TO BREAD AND BUTTER AND VERY GOOD BREAD AND BUTTER IT IS TOO WELL MY DEAR FELLOW YOU NEED NOT EAT AS IF YOU WERE GOING TO EAT IT ALL YOU BEHAVE AS IF YOU WERE MARRIED TO HER ALREADY YOU ARE NOT MARRIED TO HER ALREADY AND I DON T THINK YOU EVER WILL BE WHY ON EARTH DO YOU SAY THAT WELL IN THE FIRST PLACE GIRLS NEVER MARRY THE MEN THEY FLIRT WITH GIRLS DON T THINK IT RIGHT OH THAT IS NONSENSE IT IS A GREAT TRUTH IT ACCOUNTS FOR THE EXTRAORDINARY NUMBER OF BACHELORS THAT ONE SEES ALL OVER THE PLACE IN THE SECOND PLACE I DON T GIVE MY CONSENT MY DEAR FELLOW GWENDOLEN IS MY FIRST COUSIN AND BEFORE I ALLOW YOU TO MARRY HER YOU WILL HAVE TO CLEAR UP THE WHOLE QUESTION OF CECILY WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU MEAN WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALGY BY CECILY I DON T KNOW ANY ONE OF THE NAME OF CECILY BRING ME THAT CIGARETTE CASE MR WORTHING LEFT IN THE SMOKING ROOM THE LAST TIME HE DINED HERE DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU HAVE HAD MY CIGARETTE CASE ALL THIS TIME I WISH TO GOODNESS YOU HAD LET ME KNOW I HAVE BEEN WRITING FRANTIC LETTERS TO SCOTLAND YARD ABOUT IT I WAS VERY NEARLY OFFERING A LARGE REWARD WELL I WISH YOU WOULD OFFER ONE I HAPPEN TO BE MORE THAN USUALLY HARD UP THERE IS NO GOOD OFFERING A LARGE REWARD NOW THAT THE THING IS FOUND I THINK THAT IS RATHER MEAN OF YOU ERNEST I MUST SAY HOWEVER IT MAKES NO MATTER FOR NOW THAT I LOOK AT THE INSCRIPTION INSIDE I FIND THAT THE THING ISN T YOURS AFTER ALL OF COURSE IT S MINE YOU HAVE SEEN ME WITH IT A HUNDRED TIMES AND YOU HAVE NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER TO READ WHAT IS WRITTEN INSIDE IT IS A VERY UNGENTLEMANLY THING TO READ A PRIVATE CIGARETTE CASE OH IT IS ABSURD TO HAVE A HARD AND FAST RULE ABOUT WHAT ONE SHOULD READ AND WHAT ONE SHOULDN T MORE THAN HALF OF MODERN CULTURE DEPENDS ON WHAT ONE SHOULDN T READ I AM QUITE AWARE OF THE FACT AND I DON T PROPOSE TO DISCUSS MODERN CULTURE IT ISN T THE SORT OF THING ONE SHOULD TALK OF IN PRIVATE I SIMPLY WANT MY CIGARETTE CASE BACK YES BUT THIS ISN T YOUR CIGARETTE CASE THIS CIGARETTE CASE IS A PRESENT FROM SOME ONE OF THE NAME OF CECILY AND YOU SAID YOU DIDN T KNOW ANY ONE OF THAT NAME WELL IF YOU WANT TO KNOW CECILY HAPPENS TO BE MY AUNT CHARMING OLD LADY SHE IS TOO LIVES AT TUNBRIDGE WELLS JUST GIVE IT BACK TO ME ALGY BUT WHY DOES SHE CALL HERSELF LITTLE CECILY IF SHE IS YOUR AUNT AND LIVES AT TUNBRIDGE WELLS FROM LITTLE CECILY WITH HER FONDEST LOVE MY DEAR FELLOW WHAT ON EARTH IS THERE IN THAT SOME AUNTS ARE TALL SOME AUNTS ARE NOT TALL THAT IS A MATTER THAT SURELY AN AUNT MAY BE ALLOWED TO DECIDE FOR HERSELF YOU SEEM TO THINK THAT EVERY AUNT SHOULD BE EXACTLY LIKE YOUR AUNT THAT IS ABSURD FOR HEAVEN S SAKE GIVE ME BACK MY CIGARETTE CASE BUT WHY DOES YOUR AUNT CALL YOU HER UNCLE FROM LITTLE CECILY WITH HER FONDEST LOVE TO HER DEAR UNCLE JACK THERE IS NO OBJECTION I ADMIT TO AN AUNT BEING A SMALL AUNT BUT WHY AN AUNT NO MATTER WHAT HER SIZE MAY BE SHOULD CALL HER OWN NEPHEW HER UNCLE I CAN T QUITE MAKE OUT BESIDES YOUR NAME ISN T JACK AT ALL IT IS ERNEST IT ISN T ERNEST IT S JACK YOU HAVE ALWAYS TOLD ME IT WAS ERNEST I HAVE INTRODUCED YOU TO EVERY ONE AS ERNEST YOU ANSWER TO THE NAME OF ERNEST YOU LOOK AS IF YOUR NAME WAS ERNEST YOU ARE THE MOST EARNEST LOOKING PERSON I EVER SAW IN MY LIFE IT IS PERFECTLY ABSURD YOUR SAYING THAT YOUR NAME ISN T ERNEST IT S ON YOUR CARDS HERE IS ONE OF THEM MR ERNEST WORTHING B THE ALBANY I LL KEEP THIS AS A PROOF THAT YOUR NAME IS ERNEST IF EVER YOU ATTEMPT TO DENY IT TO ME OR TO GWENDOLEN OR TO ANY ONE ELSE WELL MY NAME IS ERNEST IN TOWN AND JACK IN THE COUNTRY AND THE CIGARETTE CASE WAS GIVEN TO ME IN THE COUNTRY YES BUT THAT DOES NOT ACCOUNT FOR THE FACT THAT YOUR SMALL AUNT CECILY WHO LIVES AT TUNBRIDGE WELLS CALLS YOU HER DEAR UNCLE COME OLD BOY YOU HAD MUCH BETTER HAVE THE THING OUT AT ONCE MY DEAR ALGY YOU TALK EXACTLY AS IF YOU WERE A DENTIST IT IS VERY VULGAR TO TALK LIKE A DENTIST WHEN ONE ISN T A DENTIST IT PRODUCES A FALSE IMPRESSION WELL THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT DENTISTS ALWAYS DO NOW GO ON TELL ME THE WHOLE THING I MAY MENTION THAT I HAVE ALWAYS SUSPECTED YOU OF BEING A CONFIRMED AND SECRET BUNBURYIST AND I AM QUITE SURE OF IT NOW BUNBURYIST WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU MEAN BY A BUNBURYIST I LL REVEAL TO YOU THE MEANING OF THAT INCOMPARABLE EXPRESSION AS SOON AS YOU ARE KIND ENOUGH TO INFORM ME WHY YOU ARE ERNEST IN TOWN AND JACK IN THE COUNTRY WELL PRODUCE MY CIGARETTE CASE FIRST HERE IT IS NOW PRODUCE YOUR EXPLANATION AND PRAY MAKE IT IMPROBABLE MY DEAR FELLOW THERE IS NOTHING IMPROBABLE ABOUT MY EXPLANATION AT ALL IN FACT IT S PERFECTLY ORDINARY OLD MR THOMAS CARDEW WHO ADOPTED ME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY MADE ME IN HIS WILL GUARDIAN TO HIS GRAND DAUGHTER MISS CECILY CARDEW CECILY WHO ADDRESSES ME AS HER UNCLE FROM MOTIVES OF RESPECT THAT YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY APPRECIATE LIVES AT MY PLACE IN THE COUNTRY UNDER THE CHARGE OF HER ADMIRABLE GOVERNESS MISS PRISM WHERE IS THAT PLACE IN THE COUNTRY BY THE WAY THAT IS NOTHING TO YOU DEAR BOY YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE INVITED I MAY TELL YOU CANDIDLY THAT THE PLACE IS NOT IN SHROPSHIRE I SUSPECTED THAT MY DEAR FELLOW I HAVE BUNBURYED ALL OVER SHROPSHIRE ON TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS NOW GO ON WHY ARE YOU ERNEST IN TOWN AND JACK IN THE COUNTRY MY DEAR ALGY I DON T KNOW WHETHER YOU WILL BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND MY REAL MOTIVES YOU ARE HARDLY SERIOUS ENOUGH WHEN ONE IS PLACED IN THE POSITION OF GUARDIAN ONE HAS TO ADOPT A VERY HIGH MORAL TONE ON ALL SUBJECTS IT S ONE S DUTY TO DO SO AND AS A HIGH MORAL TONE CAN HARDLY BE SAID TO CONDUCE VERY MUCH TO EITHER ONE S HEALTH OR ONE S HAPPINESS IN ORDER TO GET UP TO TOWN I HAVE ALWAYS PRETENDED TO HAVE A YOUNGER BROTHER OF THE NAME OF ERNEST WHO LIVES IN THE ALBANY AND GETS INTO THE MOST DREADFUL SCRAPES THAT MY DEAR ALGY IS THE WHOLE TRUTH PURE AND SIMPLE THE TRUTH IS RARELY PURE AND NEVER SIMPLE MODERN LIFE WOULD BE VERY TEDIOUS IF IT WERE EITHER AND MODERN LITERATURE A COMPLETE IMPOSSIBILITY THAT WOULDN T BE AT ALL A BAD THING LITERARY CRITICISM IS NOT YOUR FORTE MY DEAR FELLOW DON T TRY IT YOU SHOULD LEAVE THAT TO PEOPLE WHO HAVEN T BEEN AT A UNIVERSITY THEY DO IT SO WELL IN THE DAILY PAPERS WHAT YOU REALLY ARE IS A BUNBURYIST I WAS QUITE RIGHT IN SAYING YOU WERE A BUNBURYIST YOU ARE ONE OF THE MOST ADVANCED BUNBURYISTS I KNOW WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE INVENTED A VERY USEFUL YOUNGER BROTHER CALLED ERNEST IN ORDER THAT YOU MAY BE ABLE TO COME UP TO TOWN AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE I HAVE INVENTED AN INVALUABLE PERMANENT INVALID CALLED BUNBURY IN ORDER THAT I MAY BE ABLE TO GO DOWN INTO THE COUNTRY WHENEVER I CHOOSE BUNBURY IS PERFECTLY INVALUABLE IF IT WASN T FOR BUNBURY S EXTRAORDINARY BAD HEALTH FOR INSTANCE I WOULDN T BE ABLE TO DINE WITH YOU AT WILLIS S TO NIGHT FOR I HAVE BEEN REALLY ENGAGED TO AUNT AUGUSTA FOR MORE THAN A WEEK I HAVEN T ASKED YOU TO DINE WITH ME ANYWHERE TO NIGHT YOU ARE ABSURDLY CARELESS ABOUT SENDING OUT INVITATIONS IT IS VERY FOOLISH OF YOU NOTHING ANNOYS PEOPLE SO MUCH AS NOT RECEIVING INVITATIONS YOU HAD MUCH BETTER DINE WITH YOUR AUNT AUGUSTA I HAVEN T THE SMALLEST INTENTION OF DOING ANYTHING OF THE KIND TO BEGIN WITH I DINED THERE ON MONDAY AND ONCE A WEEK IS QUITE ENOUGH TO DINE WITH ONE S OWN RELATIONS IN THE SECOND PLACE WHENEVER I DO DINE THERE I AM ALWAYS TREATED AS A MEMBER OF THE FAMILY AND SENT DOWN WITH EITHER NO WOMAN AT ALL OR TWO IN THE THIRD PLACE I KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHOM SHE WILL PLACE ME NEXT TO TO NIGHT SHE WILL PLACE ME NEXT MARY FARQUHAR WHO ALWAYS FLIRTS WITH HER OWN HUSBAND ACROSS THE DINNER TABLE THAT IS NOT VERY PLEASANT INDEED IT IS NOT EVEN DECENT AND THAT SORT OF THING IS ENORMOUSLY ON THE INCREASE THE AMOUNT OF WOMEN IN LONDON WHO FLIRT WITH THEIR OWN HUSBANDS IS PERFECTLY SCANDALOUS IT LOOKS SO BAD IT IS SIMPLY WASHING ONE S CLEAN LINEN IN PUBLIC BESIDES NOW THAT I KNOW YOU TO BE A CONFIRMED BUNBURYIST I NATURALLY WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT BUNBURYING I WANT TO TELL YOU THE RULES I M NOT A BUNBURYIST AT ALL IF GWENDOLEN ACCEPTS ME I AM GOING TO KILL MY BROTHER INDEED I THINK I LL KILL HIM IN ANY CASE CECILY IS A LITTLE TOO MUCH INTERESTED IN HIM IT IS RATHER A BORE SO I AM GOING TO GET RID OF ERNEST AND I STRONGLY ADVISE YOU TO DO THE SAME WITH MR WITH YOUR INVALID FRIEND WHO HAS THE ABSURD NAME NOTHING WILL INDUCE ME TO PART WITH BUNBURY AND IF YOU EVER GET MARRIED WHICH SEEMS TO ME EXTREMELY PROBLEMATIC YOU WILL BE VERY GLAD TO KNOW BUNBURY A MAN WHO MARRIES WITHOUT KNOWING BUNBURY HAS A VERY TEDIOUS TIME OF IT THAT IS NONSENSE IF I MARRY A CHARMING GIRL LIKE GWENDOLEN AND SHE IS THE ONLY GIRL I EVER SAW IN MY LIFE THAT I WOULD MARRY I CERTAINLY WON T WANT TO KNOW BUNBURY THEN YOUR WIFE WILL YOU DON T SEEM TO REALISE THAT IN MARRIED LIFE THREE IS COMPANY AND TWO IS NONE THAT MY DEAR YOUNG FRIEND IS THE THEORY THAT THE CORRUPT FRENCH DRAMA HAS BEEN PROPOUNDING FOR THE LAST FIFTY YEARS YES AND THAT THE HAPPY ENGLISH HOME HAS PROVED IN HALF THE TIME FOR HEAVEN S SAKE DON T TRY TO BE CYNICAL IT S PERFECTLY EASY TO BE CYNICAL MY DEAR FELLOW IT ISN T EASY TO BE ANYTHING NOWADAYS THERE S SUCH A LOT OF BEASTLY COMPETITION ABOUT AH THAT MUST BE AUNT AUGUSTA ONLY RELATIVES OR CREDITORS EVER RING IN THAT WAGNERIAN MANNER NOW IF I GET HER OUT OF THE WAY FOR TEN MINUTES SO THAT YOU CAN HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY FOR PROPOSING TO GWENDOLEN MAY I DINE WITH YOU TO NIGHT AT WILLIS S I SUPPOSE SO IF YOU WANT TO YES BUT YOU MUST BE SERIOUS ABOUT IT I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT SERIOUS ABOUT MEALS IT IS SO SHALLOW OF THEM LADY BRACKNELL AND MISS FAIRFAX GOOD AFTERNOON DEAR ALGERNON I HOPE YOU ARE BEHAVING VERY WELL I M FEELING VERY WELL AUNT AUGUSTA THAT S NOT QUITE THE SAME THING IN FACT THE TWO THINGS RARELY GO TOGETHER DEAR ME YOU ARE SMART I AM ALWAYS SMART AM I NOT MR WORTHING YOU RE QUITE PERFECT MISS FAIRFAX OH I HOPE I AM NOT THAT IT WOULD LEAVE NO ROOM FOR DEVELOPMENTS AND I INTEND TO DEVELOP IN MANY DIRECTIONS I M SORRY IF WE ARE A LITTLE LATE ALGERNON BUT I WAS OBLIGED TO CALL ON DEAR LADY HARBURY I HADN T BEEN THERE SINCE HER POOR HUSBAND S DEATH I NEVER SAW A WOMAN SO ALTERED SHE LOOKS QUITE TWENTY YEARS YOUNGER AND NOW I LL HAVE A CUP OF TEA AND ONE OF THOSE NICE CUCUMBER SANDWICHES YOU PROMISED ME CERTAINLY AUNT AUGUSTA WON T YOU COME AND SIT HERE GWENDOLEN THANKS MAMMA I M QUITE COMFORTABLE WHERE I AM WHY ARE THERE NO CUCUMBER SANDWICHES I ORDERED THEM SPECIALLY THERE WERE NO CUCUMBERS IN THE MARKET THIS MORNING SIR I WENT DOWN TWICE NOT EVEN FOR READY MONEY THAT WILL DO LANE THANK YOU THANK YOU SIR I AM GREATLY DISTRESSED AUNT AUGUSTA ABOUT THERE BEING NO CUCUMBERS NOT EVEN FOR READY MONEY IT REALLY MAKES NO MATTER ALGERNON I HAD SOME CRUMPETS WITH LADY HARBURY WHO SEEMS TO ME TO BE LIVING ENTIRELY FOR PLEASURE NOW I HEAR HER HAIR HAS TURNED QUITE GOLD FROM GRIEF IT CERTAINLY HAS CHANGED ITS COLOUR FROM WHAT CAUSE I OF COURSE CANNOT SAY I VE QUITE A TREAT FOR YOU TO NIGHT ALGERNON I AM GOING TO SEND YOU DOWN WITH MARY FARQUHAR SHE IS SUCH A NICE WOMAN AND SO ATTENTIVE TO HER HUSBAND IT S DELIGHTFUL TO WATCH THEM I AM AFRAID AUNT AUGUSTA I SHALL HAVE TO GIVE UP THE PLEASURE OF DINING WITH YOU TO NIGHT AFTER ALL I HOPE NOT ALGERNON IT WOULD PUT MY TABLE COMPLETELY OUT YOUR UNCLE WOULD HAVE TO DINE UPSTAIRS FORTUNATELY HE IS ACCUSTOMED TO THAT IT IS A GREAT BORE AND I NEED HARDLY SAY A TERRIBLE DISAPPOINTMENT TO ME BUT THE FACT IS I HAVE JUST HAD A TELEGRAM TO SAY THAT MY POOR FRIEND BUNBURY IS VERY ILL AGAIN THEY SEEM TO THINK I SHOULD BE WITH HIM IT IS VERY STRANGE THIS MR BUNBURY SEEMS TO SUFFER FROM CURIOUSLY BAD HEALTH YES POOR BUNBURY IS A DREADFUL INVALID WELL I MUST SAY ALGERNON THAT I THINK IT IS HIGH TIME THAT MR BUNBURY MADE UP HIS MIND WHETHER HE WAS GOING TO LIVE OR TO DIE THIS SHILLY SHALLYING WITH THE QUESTION IS ABSURD NOR DO I IN ANY WAY APPROVE OF THE MODERN SYMPATHY WITH INVALIDS I CONSIDER IT MORBID ILLNESS OF ANY KIND IS HARDLY A THING TO BE ENCOURAGED IN OTHERS HEALTH IS THE PRIMARY DUTY OF LIFE I AM ALWAYS TELLING THAT TO YOUR POOR UNCLE BUT HE NEVER SEEMS TO TAKE MUCH NOTICE AS FAR AS ANY IMPROVEMENT IN HIS AILMENT GOES I SHOULD BE MUCH OBLIGED IF YOU WOULD ASK MR BUNBURY FROM ME TO BE KIND ENOUGH NOT TO HAVE A RELAPSE ON SATURDAY FOR I RELY ON YOU TO ARRANGE MY MUSIC FOR ME IT IS MY LAST RECEPTION AND ONE WANTS SOMETHING THAT WILL ENCOURAGE CONVERSATION PARTICULARLY AT THE END OF THE SEASON WHEN EVERY ONE HAS PRACTICALLY SAID WHATEVER THEY HAD TO SAY WHICH IN MOST CASES WAS PROBABLY NOT MUCH I LL SPEAK TO BUNBURY AUNT AUGUSTA IF HE IS STILL CONSCIOUS AND I THINK I CAN PROMISE YOU HE LL BE ALL RIGHT BY SATURDAY OF COURSE THE MUSIC IS A GREAT DIFFICULTY YOU SEE IF ONE PLAYS GOOD MUSIC PEOPLE DON T LISTEN AND IF ONE PLAYS BAD MUSIC PEOPLE DON T TALK BUT I LL RUN OVER THE PROGRAMME I VE DRAWN OUT IF YOU WILL KINDLY COME INTO THE NEXT ROOM FOR A MOMENT THANK YOU ALGERNON IT IS VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU I M SURE THE PROGRAMME WILL BE DELIGHTFUL AFTER A FEW EXPURGATIONS FRENCH SONGS I CANNOT POSSIBLY ALLOW PEOPLE ALWAYS SEEM TO THINK THAT THEY ARE IMPROPER AND EITHER LOOK SHOCKED WHICH IS VULGAR OR LAUGH WHICH IS WORSE BUT GERMAN SOUNDS A THOROUGHLY RESPECTABLE LANGUAGE AND INDEED I BELIEVE IS SO GWENDOLEN YOU WILL ACCOMPANY ME CHARMING DAY IT HAS BEEN MISS FAIRFAX PRAY DON T TALK TO ME ABOUT THE WEATHER MR WORTHING WHENEVER PEOPLE TALK TO ME ABOUT THE WEATHER I ALWAYS FEEL QUITE CERTAIN THAT THEY MEAN SOMETHING ELSE AND THAT MAKES ME SO NERVOUS I DO MEAN SOMETHING ELSE I THOUGHT SO IN FACT I AM NEVER WRONG AND I WOULD LIKE TO BE ALLOWED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF LADY BRACKNELL S TEMPORARY ABSENCE I WOULD CERTAINLY ADVISE YOU TO DO SO MAMMA HAS A WAY OF COMING BACK SUDDENLY INTO A ROOM THAT I HAVE OFTEN HAD TO SPEAK TO HER ABOUT MISS FAIRFAX EVER SINCE I MET YOU I HAVE ADMIRED YOU MORE THAN ANY GIRL I HAVE EVER MET SINCE I MET YOU YES I AM QUITE WELL AWARE OF THE FACT AND I OFTEN WISH THAT IN PUBLIC AT ANY RATE YOU HAD BEEN MORE DEMONSTRATIVE FOR ME YOU HAVE ALWAYS HAD AN IRRESISTIBLE FASCINATION EVEN BEFORE I MET YOU I WAS FAR FROM INDIFFERENT TO YOU WE LIVE AS I HOPE YOU KNOW MR WORTHING IN AN AGE OF IDEALS THE FACT IS CONSTANTLY MENTIONED IN THE MORE EXPENSIVE MONTHLY MAGAZINES AND HAS REACHED THE PROVINCIAL PULPITS I AM TOLD AND MY IDEAL HAS ALWAYS BEEN TO LOVE SOME ONE OF THE NAME OF ERNEST THERE IS SOMETHING IN THAT NAME THAT INSPIRES ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE THE MOMENT ALGERNON FIRST MENTIONED TO ME THAT HE HAD A FRIEND CALLED ERNEST I KNEW I WAS DESTINED TO LOVE YOU YOU REALLY LOVE ME GWENDOLEN YOU DON T KNOW HOW HAPPY YOU VE MADE ME MY OWN ERNEST BUT YOU DON T REALLY MEAN TO SAY THAT YOU COULDN T LOVE ME IF MY NAME WASN T ERNEST BUT YOUR NAME IS ERNEST YES I KNOW IT IS BUT SUPPOSING IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE DO YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU COULDN T LOVE ME THEN AH THAT IS CLEARLY A METAPHYSICAL SPECULATION AND LIKE MOST METAPHYSICAL SPECULATIONS HAS VERY LITTLE REFERENCE AT ALL TO THE ACTUAL FACTS OF REAL LIFE AS WE KNOW THEM PERSONALLY DARLING TO SPEAK QUITE CANDIDLY I DON T MUCH CARE ABOUT THE NAME OF ERNEST I DON T THINK THE NAME SUITS ME AT ALL IT SUITS YOU PERFECTLY IT IS A DIVINE NAME IT HAS A MUSIC OF ITS OWN IT PRODUCES VIBRATIONS WELL REALLY GWENDOLEN I MUST SAY THAT I THINK THERE ARE LOTS OF OTHER MUCH NICER NAMES I THINK JACK FOR INSTANCE A CHARMING NAME JACK NO THERE IS VERY LITTLE MUSIC IN THE NAME JACK IF ANY AT ALL INDEED IT DOES NOT THRILL IT PRODUCES ABSOLUTELY NO VIBRATIONS I HAVE KNOWN SEVERAL JACKS AND THEY ALL WITHOUT EXCEPTION WERE MORE THAN USUALLY PLAIN BESIDES JACK IS A NOTORIOUS DOMESTICITY FOR JOHN AND I PITY ANY WOMAN WHO IS MARRIED TO A MAN CALLED JOHN SHE WOULD PROBABLY NEVER BE ALLOWED TO KNOW THE ENTRANCING PLEASURE OF A SINGLE MOMENT S SOLITUDE THE ONLY REALLY SAFE NAME IS ERNEST GWENDOLEN I MUST GET CHRISTENED AT ONCE I MEAN WE MUST GET MARRIED AT ONCE THERE IS NO TIME TO BE LOST MARRIED MR WORTHING WELL SURELY YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU AND YOU LED ME TO BELIEVE MISS FAIRFAX THAT YOU WERE NOT ABSOLUTELY INDIFFERENT TO ME I ADORE YOU BUT YOU HAVEN T PROPOSED TO ME YET NOTHING HAS BEEN SAID AT ALL ABOUT MARRIAGE THE SUBJECT HAS NOT EVEN BEEN TOUCHED ON WELL MAY I PROPOSE TO YOU NOW I THINK IT WOULD BE AN ADMIRABLE OPPORTUNITY AND TO SPARE YOU ANY POSSIBLE DISAPPOINTMENT MR WORTHING I THINK IT ONLY FAIR TO TELL YOU QUITE FRANKLY BEFORE HAND THAT I AM FULLY DETERMINED TO ACCEPT YOU YES MR WORTHING WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY TO ME YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE GOT TO SAY TO YOU YES BUT YOU DON T SAY IT GWENDOLEN WILL YOU MARRY ME OF COURSE I WILL DARLING HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN ABOUT IT I AM AFRAID YOU HAVE HAD VERY LITTLE EXPERIENCE IN HOW TO PROPOSE MY OWN ONE I HAVE NEVER LOVED ANY ONE IN THE WORLD BUT YOU YES BUT MEN OFTEN PROPOSE FOR PRACTICE I KNOW MY BROTHER GERALD DOES ALL MY GIRL FRIENDS TELL ME SO WHAT WONDERFULLY BLUE EYES YOU HAVE ERNEST THEY ARE QUITE QUITE BLUE I HOPE YOU WILL ALWAYS LOOK AT ME JUST LIKE THAT ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE PRESENT RISE SIR FROM THIS SEMI RECUMBENT POSTURE IT IS MOST INDECOROUS I MUST BEG YOU TO RETIRE THIS IS NO PLACE FOR YOU BESIDES MR WORTHING HAS NOT QUITE FINISHED YET FINISHED WHAT MAY I ASK I AM ENGAGED TO MR WORTHING MAMMA PARDON ME YOU ARE NOT ENGAGED TO ANY ONE WHEN YOU DO BECOME ENGAGED TO SOME ONE I OR YOUR FATHER SHOULD HIS HEALTH PERMIT HIM WILL INFORM YOU OF THE FACT AN ENGAGEMENT SHOULD COME ON A YOUNG GIRL AS A SURPRISE PLEASANT OR UNPLEASANT AS THE CASE MAY BE IT IS HARDLY A MATTER THAT SHE COULD BE ALLOWED TO ARRANGE FOR HERSELF AND NOW I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS TO PUT TO YOU MR WORTHING WHILE I AM MAKING THESE INQUIRIES YOU GWENDOLEN WILL WAIT FOR ME BELOW IN THE CARRIAGE IN THE CARRIAGE GWENDOLEN GWENDOLEN THE CARRIAGE YOU CAN TAKE A SEAT MR WORTHING THANK YOU LADY BRACKNELL I PREFER STANDING I FEEL BOUND TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT DOWN ON MY LIST OF ELIGIBLE YOUNG MEN ALTHOUGH I HAVE THE SAME LIST AS THE DEAR DUCHESS OF BOLTON HAS WE WORK TOGETHER IN FACT HOWEVER I AM QUITE READY TO ENTER YOUR NAME SHOULD YOUR ANSWERS BE WHAT A REALLY AFFECTIONATE MOTHER REQUIRES DO YOU SMOKE WELL YES I MUST ADMIT I SMOKE I AM GLAD TO HEAR IT A MAN SHOULD ALWAYS HAVE AN OCCUPATION OF SOME KIND THERE ARE FAR TOO MANY IDLE MEN IN LONDON AS IT IS HOW OLD ARE YOU A VERY GOOD AGE TO BE MARRIED AT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN OF OPINION THAT A MAN WHO DESIRES TO GET MARRIED SHOULD KNOW EITHER EVERYTHING OR NOTHING WHICH DO YOU KNOW I KNOW NOTHING LADY BRACKNELL I AM PLEASED TO HEAR IT I DO NOT APPROVE OF ANYTHING THAT TAMPERS WITH NATURAL IGNORANCE IGNORANCE IS LIKE A DELICATE EXOTIC FRUIT TOUCH IT AND THE BLOOM IS GONE THE WHOLE THEORY OF MODERN EDUCATION IS RADICALLY UNSOUND FORTUNATELY IN ENGLAND AT ANY RATE EDUCATION PRODUCES NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER IF IT DID IT WOULD PROVE A SERIOUS DANGER TO THE UPPER CLASSES AND PROBABLY LEAD TO ACTS OF VIOLENCE IN GROSVENOR SQUARE WHAT IS YOUR INCOME BETWEEN SEVEN AND EIGHT THOUSAND A YEAR IN LAND OR IN INVESTMENTS IN INVESTMENTS CHIEFLY THAT IS SATISFACTORY WHAT BETWEEN THE DUTIES EXPECTED OF ONE DURING ONE S LIFETIME AND THE DUTIES EXACTED FROM ONE AFTER ONE S DEATH LAND HAS CEASED TO BE EITHER A PROFIT OR A PLEASURE IT GIVES ONE POSITION AND PREVENTS ONE FROM KEEPING IT UP THAT S ALL THAT CAN BE SAID ABOUT LAND I HAVE A COUNTRY HOUSE WITH SOME LAND OF COURSE ATTACHED TO IT ABOUT FIFTEEN HUNDRED ACRES I BELIEVE BUT I DON T DEPEND ON THAT FOR MY REAL INCOME IN FACT AS FAR AS I CAN MAKE OUT THE POACHERS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO MAKE ANYTHING OUT OF IT A COUNTRY HOUSE HOW MANY BEDROOMS WELL THAT POINT CAN BE CLEARED UP AFTERWARDS YOU HAVE A TOWN HOUSE I HOPE A GIRL WITH A SIMPLE UNSPOILED NATURE LIKE GWENDOLEN COULD HARDLY BE EXPECTED TO RESIDE IN THE COUNTRY WELL I OWN A HOUSE IN BELGRAVE SQUARE BUT IT IS LET BY THE YEAR TO LADY BLOXHAM OF COURSE I CAN GET IT BACK WHENEVER I LIKE AT SIX MONTHS NOTICE I DON T KNOW HER OH SHE GOES ABOUT VERY LITTLE SHE IS A LADY CONSIDERABLY ADVANCED IN YEARS AH NOWADAYS THAT IS NO GUARANTEE OF RESPECTABILITY OF CHARACTER WHAT NUMBER IN BELGRAVE SQUARE THE UNFASHIONABLE SIDE I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING HOWEVER THAT COULD EASILY BE ALTERED DO YOU MEAN THE FASHION OR THE SIDE BOTH IF NECESSARY I PRESUME WHAT ARE YOUR POLITICS WELL I AM AFRAID I REALLY HAVE NONE I AM A LIBERAL UNIONIST OH THEY COUNT AS TORIES THEY DINE WITH US OR COME IN THE EVENING AT ANY RATE NOW TO MINOR MATTERS ARE YOUR PARENTS LIVING I HAVE LOST BOTH MY PARENTS TO LOSE ONE PARENT MR WORTHING MAY BE REGARDED AS A MISFORTUNE TO LOSE BOTH LOOKS LIKE CARELESSNESS WHO WAS YOUR FATHER HE WAS EVIDENTLY A MAN OF SOME WEALTH WAS HE BORN IN WHAT THE RADICAL PAPERS CALL THE PURPLE OF COMMERCE OR DID HE RISE FROM THE RANKS OF THE ARISTOCRACY I AM AFRAID I REALLY DON T KNOW THE FACT IS LADY BRACKNELL I SAID I HAD LOST MY PARENTS IT WOULD BE NEARER THE TRUTH TO SAY THAT MY PARENTS SEEM TO HAVE LOST ME I DON T ACTUALLY KNOW WHO I AM BY BIRTH I WAS WELL I WAS FOUND THE LATE MR THOMAS CARDEW AN OLD GENTLEMAN OF A VERY CHARITABLE AND KINDLY DISPOSITION FOUND ME AND GAVE ME THE NAME OF WORTHING BECAUSE HE HAPPENED TO HAVE A FIRST CLASS TICKET FOR WORTHING IN HIS POCKET AT THE TIME WORTHING IS A PLACE IN SUSSEX IT IS A SEASIDE RESORT WHERE DID THE CHARITABLE GENTLEMAN WHO HAD A FIRST CLASS TICKET FOR THIS SEASIDE RESORT FIND YOU IN A HAND BAG YES LADY BRACKNELL I WAS IN A HAND BAG A SOMEWHAT LARGE BLACK LEATHER HAND BAG WITH HANDLES TO IT AN ORDINARY HAND BAG IN FACT IN WHAT LOCALITY DID THIS MR JAMES OR THOMAS CARDEW COME ACROSS THIS ORDINARY HAND BAG IN THE CLOAK ROOM AT VICTORIA STATION IT WAS GIVEN TO HIM IN MISTAKE FOR HIS OWN THE CLOAK ROOM AT VICTORIA STATION THE BRIGHTON LINE THE LINE IS IMMATERIAL MR WORTHING I CONFESS I FEEL SOMEWHAT BEWILDERED BY WHAT YOU HAVE JUST TOLD ME TO BE BORN OR AT ANY RATE BRED IN A HAND BAG WHETHER IT HAD HANDLES OR NOT SEEMS TO ME TO DISPLAY A CONTEMPT FOR THE ORDINARY DECENCIES OF FAMILY LIFE THAT REMINDS ONE OF THE WORST EXCESSES OF THE FRENCH REVOLUTION AND I PRESUME YOU KNOW WHAT THAT UNFORTUNATE MOVEMENT LED TO AS FOR THE PARTICULAR LOCALITY IN WHICH THE HAND BAG WAS FOUND A CLOAK ROOM AT A RAILWAY STATION MIGHT SERVE TO CONCEAL A SOCIAL INDISCRETION HAS PROBABLY INDEED BEEN USED FOR THAT PURPOSE BEFORE NOW BUT IT COULD HARDLY BE REGARDED AS AN ASSURED BASIS FOR A RECOGNISED POSITION IN GOOD SOCIETY MAY I ASK YOU THEN WHAT YOU WOULD ADVISE ME TO DO I NEED HARDLY SAY I WOULD DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD TO ENSURE GWENDOLEN S HAPPINESS I WOULD STRONGLY ADVISE YOU MR WORTHING TO TRY AND ACQUIRE SOME RELATIONS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND TO MAKE A DEFINITE EFFORT TO PRODUCE AT ANY RATE ONE PARENT OF EITHER SEX BEFORE THE SEASON IS QUITE OVER WELL I DON T SEE HOW I COULD POSSIBLY MANAGE TO DO THAT I CAN PRODUCE THE HAND BAG AT ANY MOMENT IT IS IN MY DRESSING ROOM AT HOME I REALLY THINK THAT SHOULD SATISFY YOU LADY BRACKNELL WHAT HAS IT TO DO WITH ME YOU CAN HARDLY IMAGINE THAT I AND LORD BRACKNELL WOULD DREAM OF ALLOWING OUR ONLY DAUGHTER A GIRL BROUGHT UP WITH THE UTMOST CARE TO MARRY INTO A CLOAK ROOM AND FORM AN ALLIANCE WITH A PARCEL GOOD MORNING MR WORTHING FOR GOODNESS SAKE DON T PLAY THAT GHASTLY TUNE ALGY HOW IDIOTIC YOU ARE DIDN T IT GO OFF ALL RIGHT OLD BOY YOU DON T MEAN TO SAY GWENDOLEN REFUSED YOU I KNOW IT IS A WAY SHE HAS SHE IS ALWAYS REFUSING PEOPLE I THINK IT IS MOST ILL NATURED OF HER OH GWENDOLEN IS AS RIGHT AS A TRIVET AS FAR AS SHE IS CONCERNED WE ARE ENGAGED HER MOTHER IS PERFECTLY UNBEARABLE NEVER MET SUCH A GORGON I DON T REALLY KNOW WHAT A GORGON IS LIKE BUT I AM QUITE SURE THAT LADY BRACKNELL IS ONE IN ANY CASE SHE IS A MONSTER WITHOUT BEING A MYTH WHICH IS RATHER UNFAIR I BEG YOUR PARDON ALGY I SUPPOSE I SHOULDN T TALK ABOUT YOUR OWN AUNT IN THAT WAY BEFORE YOU MY DEAR BOY I LOVE HEARING MY RELATIONS ABUSED IT IS THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME PUT UP WITH THEM AT ALL RELATIONS ARE SIMPLY A TEDIOUS PACK OF PEOPLE WHO HAVEN T GOT THE REMOTEST KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO LIVE NOR THE SMALLEST INSTINCT ABOUT WHEN TO DIE OH THAT IS NONSENSE WELL I WON T ARGUE ABOUT THE MATTER YOU ALWAYS WANT TO ARGUE ABOUT THINGS THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THINGS WERE ORIGINALLY MADE FOR UPON MY WORD IF I THOUGHT THAT I D SHOOT MYSELF YOU DON T THINK THERE IS ANY CHANCE OF GWENDOLEN BECOMING LIKE HER MOTHER IN ABOUT A HUNDRED AND FIFTY YEARS DO YOU ALGY ALL WOMEN BECOME LIKE THEIR MOTHERS THAT IS THEIR TRAGEDY NO MAN DOES IS THAT CLEVER IT IS PERFECTLY PHRASED AND QUITE AS TRUE AS ANY OBSERVATION IN CIVILISED LIFE SHOULD BE I AM SICK TO DEATH OF CLEVERNESS EVERYBODY IS CLEVER NOWADAYS YOU CAN T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT MEETING CLEVER PEOPLE THE THING HAS BECOME AN ABSOLUTE PUBLIC NUISANCE I WISH TO GOODNESS WE HAD A FEW FOOLS LEFT I SHOULD EXTREMELY LIKE TO MEET THEM WHAT DO THEY TALK ABOUT OH ABOUT THE CLEVER PEOPLE OF COURSE BY THE WAY DID YOU TELL GWENDOLEN THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR BEING ERNEST IN TOWN AND JACK IN THE COUNTRY MY DEAR FELLOW THE TRUTH ISN T QUITE THE SORT OF THING ONE TELLS TO A NICE SWEET REFINED GIRL WHAT EXTRAORDINARY IDEAS YOU HAVE ABOUT THE WAY TO BEHAVE TO A WOMAN THE ONLY WAY TO BEHAVE TO A WOMAN IS TO MAKE LOVE TO HER IF SHE IS PRETTY AND TO SOME ONE ELSE IF SHE IS PLAIN OH THAT IS NONSENSE WHAT ABOUT YOUR BROTHER WHAT ABOUT THE PROFLIGATE ERNEST OH BEFORE THE END OF THE WEEK I SHALL HAVE GOT RID OF HIM I LL SAY HE DIED IN PARIS OF APOPLEXY LOTS OF PEOPLE DIE OF APOPLEXY QUITE SUDDENLY DON T THEY YES BUT IT S HEREDITARY MY DEAR FELLOW IT S A SORT OF THING THAT RUNS IN FAMILIES YOU HAD MUCH BETTER SAY A SEVERE CHILL YOU ARE SURE A SEVERE CHILL ISN T HEREDITARY OR ANYTHING OF THAT KIND OF COURSE IT ISN T VERY WELL THEN MY POOR BROTHER ERNEST TO CARRIED OFF SUDDENLY IN PARIS BY A SEVERE CHILL THAT GETS RID OF HIM BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID THAT MISS CARDEW WAS A LITTLE TOO MUCH INTERESTED IN YOUR POOR BROTHER ERNEST WON T SHE FEEL HIS LOSS A GOOD DEAL OH THAT IS ALL RIGHT CECILY IS NOT A SILLY ROMANTIC GIRL I AM GLAD TO SAY SHE HAS GOT A CAPITAL APPETITE GOES LONG WALKS AND PAYS NO ATTENTION AT ALL TO HER LESSONS I WOULD RATHER LIKE TO SEE CECILY I WILL TAKE VERY GOOD CARE YOU NEVER DO SHE IS EXCESSIVELY PRETTY AND SHE IS ONLY JUST EIGHTEEN HAVE YOU TOLD GWENDOLEN YET THAT YOU HAVE AN EXCESSIVELY PRETTY WARD WHO IS ONLY JUST EIGHTEEN OH ONE DOESN T BLURT THESE THINGS OUT TO PEOPLE CECILY AND GWENDOLEN ARE PERFECTLY CERTAIN TO BE EXTREMELY GREAT FRIENDS I LL BET YOU ANYTHING YOU LIKE THAT HALF AN HOUR AFTER THEY HAVE MET THEY WILL BE CALLING EACH OTHER SISTER WOMEN ONLY DO THAT WHEN THEY HAVE CALLED EACH OTHER A LOT OF OTHER THINGS FIRST NOW MY DEAR BOY IF WE WANT TO GET A GOOD TABLE AT WILLIS S WE REALLY MUST GO AND DRESS DO YOU KNOW IT IS NEARLY SEVEN IT ALWAYS IS NEARLY SEVEN WELL I M HUNGRY I NEVER KNEW YOU WHEN YOU WEREN T WHAT SHALL WE DO AFTER DINNER GO TO A THEATRE I LOATHE LISTENING WELL LET US GO TO THE CLUB I HATE TALKING WELL WE MIGHT TROT ROUND TO THE EMPIRE AT TEN I CAN T BEAR LOOKING AT THINGS IT IS SO SILLY WELL WHAT SHALL WE DO IT IS AWFULLY HARD WORK DOING NOTHING HOWEVER I DON T MIND HARD WORK WHERE THERE IS NO DEFINITE OBJECT OF ANY KIND GWENDOLEN UPON MY WORD ALGY KINDLY TURN YOUR BACK I HAVE SOMETHING VERY PARTICULAR TO SAY TO MR WORTHING REALLY GWENDOLEN I DON T THINK I CAN ALLOW THIS AT ALL ALGY YOU ALWAYS ADOPT A STRICTLY IMMORAL ATTITUDE TOWARDS LIFE YOU ARE NOT QUITE OLD ENOUGH TO DO THAT MY OWN DARLING ERNEST WE MAY NEVER BE MARRIED FROM THE EXPRESSION ON MAMMA S FACE I FEAR WE NEVER SHALL FEW PARENTS NOWADAYS PAY ANY REGARD TO WHAT THEIR CHILDREN SAY TO THEM THE OLD FASHIONED RESPECT FOR THE YOUNG IS FAST DYING OUT WHATEVER INFLUENCE I EVER HAD OVER MAMMA I LOST AT THE AGE OF THREE BUT ALTHOUGH SHE MAY PREVENT US FROM BECOMING MAN AND WIFE AND I MAY MARRY SOME ONE ELSE AND MARRY OFTEN NOTHING THAT SHE CAN POSSIBLY DO CAN ALTER MY ETERNAL DEVOTION TO YOU THE STORY OF YOUR ROMANTIC ORIGIN AS RELATED TO ME BY MAMMA WITH UNPLEASING COMMENTS HAS NATURALLY STIRRED THE DEEPER FIBRES OF MY NATURE YOUR CHRISTIAN NAME HAS AN IRRESISTIBLE FASCINATION THE SIMPLICITY OF YOUR CHARACTER MAKES YOU EXQUISITELY INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO ME YOUR TOWN ADDRESS AT THE ALBANY I HAVE WHAT IS YOUR ADDRESS IN THE COUNTRY THE MANOR HOUSE WOOLTON HERTFORDSHIRE THERE IS A GOOD POSTAL SERVICE I SUPPOSE IT MAY BE NECESSARY TO DO SOMETHING DESPERATE THAT OF COURSE WILL REQUIRE SERIOUS CONSIDERATION I WILL COMMUNICATE WITH YOU DAILY MY OWN ONE HOW LONG DO YOU REMAIN IN TOWN ALGY YOU MAY TURN ROUND NOW THANKS I VE TURNED ROUND ALREADY YOU MAY ALSO RING THE BELL YOU WILL LET ME SEE YOU TO YOUR CARRIAGE MY OWN DARLING I WILL SEE MISS FAIRFAX OUT A GLASS OF SHERRY LANE TO MORROW LANE I M GOING BUNBURYING I SHALL PROBABLY NOT BE BACK TILL MONDAY YOU CAN PUT UP MY DRESS CLOTHES MY SMOKING JACKET AND ALL THE BUNBURY SUITS I HOPE TO MORROW WILL BE A FINE DAY LANE IT NEVER IS SIR LANE YOU RE A PERFECT PESSIMIST I DO MY BEST TO GIVE SATISFACTION SIR THERE S A SENSIBLE INTELLECTUAL GIRL THE ONLY GIRL I EVER CARED FOR IN MY LIFE WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU SO AMUSED AT OH I M A LITTLE ANXIOUS ABOUT POOR BUNBURY THAT IS ALL IF YOU DON T TAKE CARE YOUR FRIEND BUNBURY WILL GET YOU INTO A SERIOUS SCRAPE SOME DAY I LOVE SCRAPES THEY ARE THE ONLY THINGS THAT ARE NEVER SERIOUS OH THAT S NONSENSE ALGY YOU NEVER TALK ANYTHING BUT NONSENSE NOBODY EVER DOES GARDEN AT THE MANOR HOUSE A FLIGHT OF GREY STONE STEPS LEADS UP TO THE HOUSE THE GARDEN AN OLD FASHIONED ONE FULL OF ROSES TIME OF YEAR JULY BASKET CHAIRS AND A TABLE COVERED WITH BOOKS ARE SET UNDER A LARGE YEW TREE SURELY SUCH A UTILITARIAN OCCUPATION AS THE WATERING OF FLOWERS IS RATHER MOULTON S DUTY THAN YOURS ESPECIALLY AT A MOMENT WHEN INTELLECTUAL PLEASURES AWAIT YOU YOUR GERMAN GRAMMAR IS ON THE TABLE PRAY OPEN IT AT PAGE FIFTEEN WE WILL REPEAT YESTERDAY S LESSON BUT I DON T LIKE GERMAN IT ISN T AT ALL A BECOMING LANGUAGE I KNOW PERFECTLY WELL THAT I LOOK QUITE PLAIN AFTER MY GERMAN LESSON CHILD YOU KNOW HOW ANXIOUS YOUR GUARDIAN IS THAT YOU SHOULD IMPROVE YOURSELF IN EVERY WAY HE LAID PARTICULAR STRESS ON YOUR GERMAN AS HE WAS LEAVING FOR TOWN YESTERDAY INDEED HE ALWAYS LAYS STRESS ON YOUR GERMAN WHEN HE IS LEAVING FOR TOWN DEAR UNCLE JACK IS SO VERY SERIOUS SOMETIMES HE IS SO SERIOUS THAT I THINK HE CANNOT BE QUITE WELL YOUR GUARDIAN ENJOYS THE BEST OF HEALTH AND HIS GRAVITY OF DEMEANOUR IS ESPECIALLY TO BE COMMENDED IN ONE SO COMPARATIVELY YOUNG AS HE IS I KNOW NO ONE WHO HAS A HIGHER SENSE OF DUTY AND RESPONSIBILITY I SUPPOSE THAT IS WHY HE OFTEN LOOKS A LITTLE BORED WHEN WE THREE ARE TOGETHER I AM SURPRISED AT YOU MR WORTHING HAS MANY TROUBLES IN HIS LIFE IDLE MERRIMENT AND TRIVIALITY WOULD BE OUT OF PLACE IN HIS CONVERSATION YOU MUST REMEMBER HIS CONSTANT ANXIETY ABOUT THAT UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN HIS BROTHER I WISH UNCLE JACK WOULD ALLOW THAT UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN HIS BROTHER TO COME DOWN HERE SOMETIMES WE MIGHT HAVE A GOOD INFLUENCE OVER HIM MISS PRISM I AM SURE YOU CERTAINLY WOULD YOU KNOW GERMAN AND GEOLOGY AND THINGS OF THAT KIND INFLUENCE A MAN VERY MUCH I DO NOT THINK THAT EVEN I COULD PRODUCE ANY EFFECT ON A CHARACTER THAT ACCORDING TO HIS OWN BROTHER S ADMISSION IS IRRETRIEVABLY WEAK AND VACILLATING INDEED I AM NOT SURE THAT I WOULD DESIRE TO RECLAIM HIM I AM NOT IN FAVOUR OF THIS MODERN MANIA FOR TURNING BAD PEOPLE INTO GOOD PEOPLE AT A MOMENT S NOTICE AS A MAN SOWS SO LET HIM REAP YOU MUST PUT AWAY YOUR DIARY CECILY I REALLY DON T SEE WHY YOU SHOULD KEEP A DIARY AT ALL I KEEP A DIARY IN ORDER TO ENTER THE WONDERFUL SECRETS OF MY LIFE IF I DIDN T WRITE THEM DOWN I SHOULD PROBABLY FORGET ALL ABOUT THEM MEMORY MY DEAR CECILY IS THE DIARY THAT WE ALL CARRY ABOUT WITH US YES BUT IT USUALLY CHRONICLES THE THINGS THAT HAVE NEVER HAPPENED AND COULDN T POSSIBLY HAVE HAPPENED I BELIEVE THAT MEMORY IS RESPONSIBLE FOR NEARLY ALL THE THREE VOLUME NOVELS THAT MUDIE SENDS US DO NOT SPEAK SLIGHTINGLY OF THE THREE VOLUME NOVEL CECILY I WROTE ONE MYSELF IN EARLIER DAYS DID YOU REALLY MISS PRISM HOW WONDERFULLY CLEVER YOU ARE I HOPE IT DID NOT END HAPPILY I DON T LIKE NOVELS THAT END HAPPILY THEY DEPRESS ME SO MUCH THE GOOD ENDED HAPPILY AND THE BAD UNHAPPILY THAT IS WHAT FICTION MEANS I SUPPOSE SO BUT IT SEEMS VERY UNFAIR AND WAS YOUR NOVEL EVER PUBLISHED THE MANUSCRIPT UNFORTUNATELY WAS ABANDONED I USE THE WORD IN THE SENSE OF LOST OR MISLAID TO YOUR WORK CHILD THESE SPECULATIONS ARE PROFITLESS BUT I SEE DEAR DR CHASUBLE COMING UP THROUGH THE GARDEN THIS IS INDEED A PLEASURE AND HOW ARE WE THIS MORNING MISS PRISM YOU ARE I TRUST WELL MISS PRISM HAS JUST BEEN COMPLAINING OF A SLIGHT HEADACHE I THINK IT WOULD DO HER SO MUCH GOOD TO HAVE A SHORT STROLL WITH YOU IN THE PARK DR CHASUBLE CECILY I HAVE NOT MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT A HEADACHE NO DEAR MISS PRISM I KNOW THAT BUT I FELT INSTINCTIVELY THAT YOU HAD A HEADACHE INDEED I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT AND NOT ABOUT MY GERMAN LESSON WHEN THE RECTOR CAME IN I HOPE CECILY YOU ARE NOT INATTENTIVE OH I AM AFRAID I AM THAT IS STRANGE WERE I FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO BE MISS PRISM S PUPIL I WOULD HANG UPON HER LIPS I SPOKE METAPHORICALLY MY METAPHOR WAS DRAWN FROM BEES MR WORTHING I SUPPOSE HAS NOT RETURNED FROM TOWN YET WE DO NOT EXPECT HIM TILL MONDAY AFTERNOON AH YES HE USUALLY LIKES TO SPEND HIS SUNDAY IN LONDON HE IS NOT ONE OF THOSE WHOSE SOLE AIM IS ENJOYMENT AS BY ALL ACCOUNTS THAT UNFORTUNATE YOUNG MAN HIS BROTHER SEEMS TO BE BUT I MUST NOT DISTURB EGERIA AND HER PUPIL ANY LONGER MY NAME IS LAETITIA DOCTOR A CLASSICAL ALLUSION MERELY DRAWN FROM THE PAGAN AUTHORS I SHALL SEE YOU BOTH NO DOUBT AT EVENSONG I THINK DEAR DOCTOR I WILL HAVE A STROLL WITH YOU I FIND I HAVE A HEADACHE AFTER ALL AND A WALK MIGHT DO IT GOOD WITH PLEASURE MISS PRISM WITH PLEASURE WE MIGHT GO AS FAR AS THE SCHOOLS AND BACK THAT WOULD BE DELIGHTFUL CECILY YOU WILL READ YOUR POLITICAL ECONOMY IN MY ABSENCE THE CHAPTER ON THE FALL OF THE RUPEE YOU MAY OMIT IT IS SOMEWHAT TOO SENSATIONAL EVEN THESE METALLIC PROBLEMS HAVE THEIR MELODRAMATIC SIDE HORRID POLITICAL ECONOMY HORRID HORRID GERMAN MR ERNEST WORTHING HAS JUST DRIVEN OVER FROM THE STATION HE HAS BROUGHT HIS LUGGAGE WITH HIM MR ERNEST WORTHING B THE ALBANY W UNCLE JACK S BROTHER DID YOU TELL HIM MR WORTHING WAS IN TOWN HE SEEMED VERY MUCH DISAPPOINTED I MENTIONED THAT YOU AND MISS PRISM WERE IN THE GARDEN HE SAID HE WAS ANXIOUS TO SPEAK TO YOU PRIVATELY FOR A MOMENT ASK MR ERNEST WORTHING TO COME HERE I SUPPOSE YOU HAD BETTER TALK TO THE HOUSEKEEPER ABOUT A ROOM FOR HIM I HAVE NEVER MET ANY REALLY WICKED PERSON BEFORE I FEEL RATHER FRIGHTENED I AM SO AFRAID HE WILL LOOK JUST LIKE EVERY ONE ELSE YOU ARE MY LITTLE COUSIN CECILY I M SURE YOU ARE UNDER SOME STRANGE MISTAKE I AM NOT LITTLE IN FACT I BELIEVE I AM MORE THAN USUALLY TALL FOR MY AGE BUT I AM YOUR COUSIN CECILY YOU I SEE FROM YOUR CARD ARE UNCLE JACK S BROTHER MY COUSIN ERNEST MY WICKED COUSIN ERNEST OH I AM NOT REALLY WICKED AT ALL COUSIN CECILY YOU MUSTN T THINK THAT I AM WICKED IF YOU ARE NOT THEN YOU HAVE CERTAINLY BEEN DECEIVING US ALL IN A VERY INEXCUSABLE MANNER I HOPE YOU HAVE NOT BEEN LEADING A DOUBLE LIFE PRETENDING TO BE WICKED AND BEING REALLY GOOD ALL THE TIME THAT WOULD BE HYPOCRISY OF COURSE I HAVE BEEN RATHER RECKLESS I AM GLAD TO HEAR IT IN FACT NOW YOU MENTION THE SUBJECT I HAVE BEEN VERY BAD IN MY OWN SMALL WAY I DON T THINK YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF THAT THOUGH I AM SURE IT MUST HAVE BEEN VERY PLEASANT IT IS MUCH PLEASANTER BEING HERE WITH YOU I CAN T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU ARE HERE AT ALL UNCLE JACK WON T BE BACK TILL MONDAY AFTERNOON THAT IS A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT I AM OBLIGED TO GO UP BY THE FIRST TRAIN ON MONDAY MORNING I HAVE A BUSINESS APPOINTMENT THAT I AM ANXIOUS TO MISS COULDN T YOU MISS IT ANYWHERE BUT IN LONDON NO THE APPOINTMENT IS IN LONDON WELL I KNOW OF COURSE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS NOT TO KEEP A BUSINESS ENGAGEMENT IF ONE WANTS TO RETAIN ANY SENSE OF THE BEAUTY OF LIFE BUT STILL I THINK YOU HAD BETTER WAIT TILL UNCLE JACK ARRIVES I KNOW HE WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR EMIGRATING ABOUT MY WHAT HE HAS GONE UP TO BUY YOUR OUTFIT I CERTAINLY WOULDN T LET JACK BUY MY OUTFIT HE HAS NO TASTE IN NECKTIES AT ALL I DON T THINK YOU WILL REQUIRE NECKTIES UNCLE JACK IS SENDING YOU TO AUSTRALIA I D SOONER DIE WELL HE SAID AT DINNER ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT THAT YOU WOULD HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THIS WORLD THE NEXT WORLD AND AUSTRALIA THE ACCOUNTS I HAVE RECEIVED OF AUSTRALIA AND THE NEXT WORLD ARE NOT PARTICULARLY ENCOURAGING THIS WORLD IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME COUSIN CECILY YES BUT ARE YOU GOOD ENOUGH FOR IT I M AFRAID I M NOT THAT THAT IS WHY I WANT YOU TO REFORM ME YOU MIGHT MAKE THAT YOUR MISSION IF YOU DON T MIND COUSIN CECILY I M AFRAID I VE NO TIME THIS AFTERNOON WELL WOULD YOU MIND MY REFORMING MYSELF THIS AFTERNOON IT IS RATHER QUIXOTIC OF YOU BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD TRY I FEEL BETTER ALREADY YOU ARE LOOKING A LITTLE WORSE THAT IS BECAUSE I AM HUNGRY HOW THOUGHTLESS OF ME I SHOULD HAVE REMEMBERED THAT WHEN ONE IS GOING TO LEAD AN ENTIRELY NEW LIFE ONE REQUIRES REGULAR AND WHOLESOME MEALS WON T YOU COME IN MIGHT I HAVE A BUTTONHOLE FIRST I NEVER HAVE ANY APPETITE UNLESS I HAVE A BUTTONHOLE FIRST A MARECHAL NIEL NO I D SOONER HAVE A PINK ROSE BECAUSE YOU ARE LIKE A PINK ROSE COUSIN CECILY I DON T THINK IT CAN BE RIGHT FOR YOU TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT MISS PRISM NEVER SAYS SUCH THINGS TO ME THEN MISS PRISM IS A SHORT SIGHTED OLD LADY YOU ARE THE PRETTIEST GIRL I EVER SAW MISS PRISM SAYS THAT ALL GOOD LOOKS ARE A SNARE THEY ARE A SNARE THAT EVERY SENSIBLE MAN WOULD LIKE TO BE CAUGHT IN OH I DON T THINK I WOULD CARE TO CATCH A SENSIBLE MAN I SHOULDN T KNOW WHAT TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT YOU ARE TOO MUCH ALONE DEAR DR CHASUBLE YOU SHOULD GET MARRIED A MISANTHROPE I CAN UNDERSTAND A WOMANTHROPE NEVER BELIEVE ME I DO NOT DESERVE SO NEOLOGISTIC A PHRASE THE PRECEPT AS WELL AS THE PRACTICE OF THE PRIMITIVE CHURCH WAS DISTINCTLY AGAINST MATRIMONY THAT IS OBVIOUSLY THE REASON WHY THE PRIMITIVE CHURCH HAS NOT LASTED UP TO THE PRESENT DAY AND YOU DO NOT SEEM TO REALISE DEAR DOCTOR THAT BY PERSISTENTLY REMAINING SINGLE A MAN CONVERTS HIMSELF INTO A PERMANENT PUBLIC TEMPTATION MEN SHOULD BE MORE CAREFUL THIS VERY CELIBACY LEADS WEAKER VESSELS ASTRAY BUT IS A MAN NOT EQUALLY ATTRACTIVE WHEN MARRIED NO MARRIED MAN IS EVER ATTRACTIVE EXCEPT TO HIS WIFE AND OFTEN I VE BEEN TOLD NOT EVEN TO HER THAT DEPENDS ON THE INTELLECTUAL SYMPATHIES OF THE WOMAN MATURITY CAN ALWAYS BE DEPENDED ON RIPENESS CAN BE TRUSTED YOUNG WOMEN ARE GREEN I SPOKE HORTICULTURALLY MY METAPHOR WAS DRAWN FROM FRUITS BUT WHERE IS CECILY PERHAPS SHE FOLLOWED US TO THE SCHOOLS THIS IS INDEED A SURPRISE WE DID NOT LOOK FOR YOU TILL MONDAY AFTERNOON I HAVE RETURNED SOONER THAN I EXPECTED DR CHASUBLE I HOPE YOU ARE WELL DEAR MR WORTHING I TRUST THIS GARB OF WOE DOES NOT BETOKEN SOME TERRIBLE CALAMITY MORE SHAMEFUL DEBTS AND EXTRAVAGANCE STILL LEADING HIS LIFE OF PLEASURE YOUR BROTHER ERNEST DEAD WHAT A LESSON FOR HIM I TRUST HE WILL PROFIT BY IT MR WORTHING I OFFER YOU MY SINCERE CONDOLENCE YOU HAVE AT LEAST THE CONSOLATION OF KNOWING THAT YOU WERE ALWAYS THE MOST GENEROUS AND FORGIVING OF BROTHERS HE HAD MANY FAULTS BUT IT IS A SAD SAD BLOW VERY SAD INDEED WERE YOU WITH HIM AT THE END HE DIED ABROAD IN PARIS IN FACT I HAD A TELEGRAM LAST NIGHT FROM THE MANAGER OF THE GRAND HOTEL WAS THE CAUSE OF DEATH MENTIONED A SEVERE CHILL IT SEEMS AS A MAN SOWS SO SHALL HE REAP CHARITY DEAR MISS PRISM CHARITY NONE OF US ARE PERFECT I MYSELF AM PECULIARLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO DRAUGHTS WILL THE INTERMENT TAKE PLACE HERE HE SEEMS TO HAVE EXPRESSED A DESIRE TO BE BURIED IN PARIS I FEAR THAT HARDLY POINTS TO ANY VERY SERIOUS STATE OF MIND AT THE LAST YOU WOULD NO DOUBT WISH ME TO MAKE SOME SLIGHT ALLUSION TO THIS TRAGIC DOMESTIC AFFLICTION NEXT SUNDAY MY SERMON ON THE MEANING OF THE MANNA IN THE WILDERNESS CAN BE ADAPTED TO ALMOST ANY OCCASION JOYFUL OR AS IN THE PRESENT CASE DISTRESSING I HAVE PREACHED IT AT HARVEST CELEBRATIONS CHRISTENINGS CONFIRMATIONS ON DAYS OF HUMILIATION AND FESTAL DAYS THE LAST TIME I DELIVERED IT WAS IN THE CATHEDRAL AS A CHARITY SERMON ON BEHALF OF THE SOCIETY FOR THE PREVENTION OF DISCONTENT AMONG THE UPPER ORDERS THE BISHOP WHO WAS PRESENT WAS MUCH STRUCK BY SOME OF THE ANALOGIES I DREW AH THAT REMINDS ME YOU MENTIONED CHRISTENINGS I THINK DR I SUPPOSE YOU KNOW HOW TO CHRISTEN ALL RIGHT I MEAN OF COURSE YOU ARE CONTINUALLY CHRISTENING AREN T YOU IT IS I REGRET TO SAY ONE OF THE RECTOR S MOST CONSTANT DUTIES IN THIS PARISH I HAVE OFTEN SPOKEN TO THE POORER CLASSES ON THE SUBJECT BUT THEY DON T SEEM TO KNOW WHAT THRIFT IS BUT IS THERE ANY PARTICULAR INFANT IN WHOM YOU ARE INTERESTED MR WORTHING YOUR BROTHER WAS I BELIEVE UNMARRIED WAS HE NOT PEOPLE WHO LIVE ENTIRELY FOR PLEASURE USUALLY ARE BUT IT IS NOT FOR ANY CHILD DEAR DOCTOR I AM VERY FOND OF CHILDREN NO THE FACT IS I WOULD LIKE TO BE CHRISTENED MYSELF THIS AFTERNOON IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO BUT SURELY MR WORTHING YOU HAVE BEEN CHRISTENED ALREADY I DON T REMEMBER ANYTHING ABOUT IT BUT HAVE YOU ANY GRAVE DOUBTS ON THE SUBJECT I CERTAINLY INTEND TO HAVE OF COURSE I DON T KNOW IF THE THING WOULD BOTHER YOU IN ANY WAY OR IF YOU THINK I AM A LITTLE TOO OLD NOW NOT AT ALL THE SPRINKLING AND INDEED THE IMMERSION OF ADULTS IS A PERFECTLY CANONICAL PRACTICE YOU NEED HAVE NO APPREHENSIONS SPRINKLING IS ALL THAT IS NECESSARY OR INDEED I THINK ADVISABLE OUR WEATHER IS SO CHANGEABLE AT WHAT HOUR WOULD YOU WISH THE CEREMONY PERFORMED OH I MIGHT TROT ROUND ABOUT FIVE IF THAT WOULD SUIT YOU IN FACT I HAVE TWO SIMILAR CEREMONIES TO PERFORM AT THAT TIME A CASE OF TWINS THAT OCCURRED RECENTLY IN ONE OF THE OUTLYING COTTAGES ON YOUR OWN ESTATE POOR JENKINS THE CARTER A MOST HARD WORKING MAN I DON T SEE MUCH FUN IN BEING CHRISTENED ALONG WITH OTHER BABIES IT WOULD BE CHILDISH WOULD HALF PAST FIVE DO AND NOW DEAR MR WORTHING I WILL NOT INTRUDE ANY LONGER INTO A HOUSE OF SORROW I WOULD MERELY BEG YOU NOT TO BE TOO MUCH BOWED DOWN BY GRIEF WHAT SEEM TO US BITTER TRIALS ARE OFTEN BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE THIS SEEMS TO ME A BLESSING OF AN EXTREMELY OBVIOUS KIND